Jack is livid and feels that there is no longer any hope in the marriage. Jill, on the other hand, has expressed that she would like to reconsile and work on the marriage. Jack remains steadfast and instead of acknowledging Jill’s attempts at reconciliation he reaches for more ammunition and condemnation against her lack of warmth and coldness.
Jack is nearly thirty years old, he is a responsible and respected member of his community. When reflecting on his behavior and attitude towards Jill he acknowledges that he is sorely lacking maturity and admittedly says “I’m that frustrated ten year old child.”
Jack feels intensely hurt when Jill gives him the cold shoulder and consequently crumbles inside as his self worth and ability to love himself was never nurtured from within.
How can Jack contain his feelings of rejection against Jill and works towards reconciling their marriage? What would it look like if Jack was comfortable with himself; if he truly accepted himself?
Imagine a relationship where Jack can be emotionally supportive of Jill even at a time when she may be upset, angry or unable to communicate her loving feelings towards him.
Pia Mellody, in her ground breaking book called Facing Codependence discusses how “codependence is a disease of immaturity caused by child hood trauma”. Pia lists five interrelated areas that create codependence;
- Self-esteem Issue (Less Than vs. Better Than)
- Boundary Issue (Too Vulnerable vs. Invulnerable)
- Reality Issues (Bad or Rebellious vs Good or Perfect)
- Dependency Issues (Too Dependent vs Anti-dependent or Needless/Wantless)
- Moderation/Containment Issues (Out of Control vs. Controlling of Others)
Healing begins when we allow ourselves to take an honest inventory of our feelings and responses and where they came from. Let’s talk today about the roadblocks that are holding you back in your marriage.
“The greater the gap between what we needed and what we got, the greater the dysfunction and likely the worse the addiction” – Pia Mellody.